i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Actions speak louder than pants.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
