a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
