Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
