I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Randomize
