threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
