It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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