Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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