Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
