You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
