If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
