God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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