the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
