Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
