1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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