Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
