You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
