And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
