I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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