angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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