I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
