Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
