Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
