You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
