My room smells like vodka and shame
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
