I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
