so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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