the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
