listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
