So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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