new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
