I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Alive.
So much puke
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
