ya dads aren't the best wingmen
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We're too hungover to prance.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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