so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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