Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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