I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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