It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
