I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
