Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
