when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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