my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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