been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
