Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
