life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
