I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
