I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Mom said you looked used
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
