I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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