And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she pinky promised me she was 18
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
