HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Randomize
