I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
