I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
