I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm both gender and math confused
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
