I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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