Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My breasts were aching with rage.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
