My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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