I met the friendliest cop last night
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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