I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize