I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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