well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
