He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i dont even know how to be here
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
