i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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