Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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